Recently a boot camp friend, who I have been with from the very beginning, said to me, “You used to look at the floor.” She said that for about the first 6 months I never looked up when I worked out, I just stared at the floor.
When I thought about it, I realized that this is how I lived my life. Never looking up, always looking down…both literally and figuratively. Up until two years ago, my confidence was in the toilet. I hated myself and my body. I was extremely unhappy, but was unmotivated to try to better my life.
I told myself, “You will never succeed, so why even try.” I was so hard on myself that I couldn’t possibly see what others saw. My husband saw beauty… I only saw fat and, in my mind, fat equaled ugly. Everyone around me always told me I was a compassionate and caring person. Compassion has always come easy for me, except that I missed the most important person. I had no compassion or love for myself.
The change in my attitude about myself happened very slowly. As the physical weight fell off of me I also became emotionally lighter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things in boot camp showed me that I could succeed. My confidence grew and I started to see myself for who I really am, not who I thought I was. I still have days when I don’t feel so good about myself, but for the most part I am confident in who I am. I’m not the self loathing, unmotivated woman I was before. I know my worth and have compassion both for the person I once was and who I am now.
I no longer walk with my eyes to the ground. I walk with my head held high; looking forward to the new life I have made for myself.
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